I was working on putting out part two of my health issues which helps to explain how I got to where I am today. However, there has been a change of plans. It’s really weird but I am actually annoyed with anxiety today. Not scared but actually annoyed, I am not sure where these feelings are coming from but I am not in the mood to feel apprehensive. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!! Sure, tomorrow, I may go back to being a victim, to combing over the different issues that life threw my way, that turned my head into this mess of apprehension and unease. But not today.
It began yesterday when I was feeling nauseous for hours. I went to the pharmacy and with her advice, I bought Dramamine to ease the feelings. It knocked me out for most of yesterday and the drowsy feeling is lingering into today as well. Again, those feelings of impending death/something is wrong start to resurface. I can’t sleep it off anymore (already slept too much) but I can still feel it bubbling beneath the surface. I am too tired for this shit today. Not in the mood. Today, I refuse to go crazy contemplating death.
I listened to the song Desiderata that I often heard growing up, and I agree with the lyrics of the chorus:
I AM a child of the universe, NO LESS than the trees and the stars, I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE.
I always feel that life itself is working against me. My right to exist, be happy and strive comes with being a child of the universe. I plan to ignore every feeling mostly out of anger and disgust for robbing me of my peace of mind. A brief lucid moment? Perhaps. I may not win the war, but I AM WINNING THIS TODAY. With that, I’ve attached a fight song that I’ve always listened to, throughout the worst of the worst. I dedicate it to ME.
– Anxious Brother